BY MADAME P J BAILEY
COPYRIGHT 2004 MADAME P J BAILEY. NEWARK, NEW JERSEY USA. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
* * * REQUIRED MEMORIZATION FOR ALL LAW SCHOOL STUDENTS * * *
Once upon a time, not so long ago, and not so far away, there was a group of dedicated, sincere, hard working, diligent lawyers who struggled long, long years without pay. They are called the WHITE-HAT-WEARERS. The WHITE-HAT-WEARERS' goal was to expose the evil deeds of some bad, bad guys called the BLACK-HAT-WEARERS. The BLACK-HAT-WEARERS were responsible for years and years of wrongs done to a great crowd of individuals. In the course of time, the relentless efforts of the WHITE-HAT-WEARERS forced the BLACK-HAT-WEARERS to their knees, and the WHITE-HAT-WEARERS ordered the BLACK-HAT-WEARERS to "Pay up, or else..." ! The BLACK-HAT-WEARERS looked up and saw the great throng of unhappy, worthy, waiting, watching individuals, called CLASS-PLAINTIFFS. The BLACK-HAT-WEARERS knew the deal was up and offered to pay huge sums of "undisclosed amounts" called SETTLEMENTS, but to only a very few of the great throng of unhappy, worthy, waiting, watching individuals, called CLASS-PLAINTIFFS. And the WHITE-HAT-WEARERS also got their just deserves, call CONTINGENCY-FEES. (You do the math.)
But that's where the winding, bumpy road takes an ugly, downward turn. There still remained a great throng of unhappy, worthy, waiting, watching individuals, called CLASS-PLAINTIFFS who also had been harmed by the BLACK-HAT-WEARERS, and were yet uncompensated by SETTLEMENTS. The problem was that the WHITE-HAT-WEARERS now were wealthy enough to buy a new set of hats in varying shades of GRAY. Plus, the former WHITE-HAT-WEARERS' stomachs and wallets were over stuffed, causing them to slow down to a snail's pace. A few of the former WHITE-HAT-WEARERS stopped moving at all. They became permanent charcoal GRAY-HAT-WEARERS, and started to let their answering services take messages from the great throng of unhappy, worthy, waiting, watching individuals, called CLASS-PLAINTIFFS. Some of the GRAY-HAT-WEARERS began to view the great throng of unhappy, worthy, waiting, watching individuals, called CLASS-PLAINTIFFS, as expendable, unneeded, irritants, and nuisances. The remaining GRAY-HAT-WEARERS adopted the role of presenting chump-change, take-it-or-leave-it unsettling SETTLEMENT offers doled out from the BLACK-HAT-WEARERS. Those GRAY-HAT-WEARERS' frequently heard mantra became: "If I were you I'd take this offer and run with it. It doesn't get better than this." (Talk about verse #2 of the song that never ends...Repeat it 3X with a rhythm and you'll get the hang of it.)
Anyway, many of the great throng of unhappy, worthy, waiting, watching individuals, called CLASS-PLAINTIFFS were so frustrated and distraught that they gave up and lost all faith in the legal system as a means to address grievances and wrongs. You see, the great throng of unhappy, worthy, waiting, watching individuals, called CLASS-PLAINTIFFS never trusted BLACK-HAT-WEARERS to start with, but they had let down their guard and had started to grow fond of WHITE-HAT-WEARERS. (Boo-Hoo.) But now the great throng of unhappy, worthy, waiting, watching individuals, called CLASS-PLAINTIFFS told their friends, family, and anyone else who would listen that no WHITE-HAT-WEARERS were to be trusted either because when WHITE-HAT-WEARERS get fat wallets and full stomachs, they start to wear all shades of GRAY-HATS. And worse that that, when some GRAY-HAT-WEARERS get their gold watches, they will not even give the great throng of unhappy, worthy, waiting, watching individuals, called CLASS-PLAINTIFFS, the time of day !!! Shame on them.
But one individual emerged from the great throng of unhappy, worthy, waiting, watching individuals, called CLASS-PLAINTIFFS and declared: "This must not continue. For the sake of future great throng of unhappy, worthy, waiting, watching individuals, called CLASS-PLAINTIFFS, this wrong too must be addressed." This individual then offered the following remedy:
Until the WHITE-HAT-WEARERS see to it that all of the cooperating members of the great throng of unhappy, worthy, waiting, watching individuals, called CLASS-PLAINTIFFS are compensated by the BLACK-HAT-WEARERS, the courts will hold the CONTINGENCY FEES of the WHITE-HAT-WEARERS. The courts will allow only the interim reimbursement of reasonable and well-documented litigation related expenses.
And in the course of time, this rule, or code, or canon was enacted and practiced all throughout the land. Neither the WHITE-HAT-WEARERS, or the BLACK-HAT-WEARERS, or the GRAY-HAT-WEARERS were very pleased. But the great throng of worthy, waiting, watching individuals, called CLASS-PLAINTIFFS was exuberant !!! They insisted on calling this new rule, or code, or canon "The Bailey Principle". Really, they insisted. And so the great throng of worthy, waiting, watching individuals, called CLASS-PLAINTIFFS lived happily ever after, or something like.
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